Just some background info: This play was written in the rush of one Sunday afternoon of January 1996 in anticipation of its performance at a BYU 96th Ward Talent Show. It was performed by the members of Karl Rees's and Amelia Reynold's Family Home Evening Group, namely Mark Alexander, Jeanette Baker, Liz Cannon, Lynne Jones, Diana Smith, Scott Van Horn, Liz Young, and (not in the group) Christina Rosequist and Sara Dahlin. It's not exactly professional, but it's a trip. Of course, in order to get most of the inside jokes, you had to have gone to BYU, preferably staying at Helaman Halls. It would be helpful if you were in BYU's 96th ward, and unfortunately, you won't grasp all of the jokes unless you were a guy at the time. Still, it's funny. If you want to perform it for some strange reason, it can be performed with about 10 people and, if you take out some of the lines, very few props. It is best performed by reading from the script with lots of miscues and stupid improvisations, girls playing guy roles and frequent goof-ups such as breaking a glass in the middle of it all. It has been remarked that the play captures the "essence of the college experience" and is "really cool, hoser."

Setting: Canon Center, East Side Cafeteria. Two tables are set up on right side of stage. A mock "line" for food is set up on the left side.

Focus on two females in line. They are waiting for food and discussing.

Female 1: "MMmmm, I sure am hungry today. I hope they're having something good for once."

Female 2: "Bzzzz. Wrong answer. And you wonder why you only got at 3.7 last semester."

Female 1: "It could happen. I mean, if we pray hard enough, maybe..."

Female 2: "Ya, and if we went to church, fasted, read our scriptures, and went to seminary, just maybe they'd bring McDonalds in here instead."

Female 1: "Well, it could happen."

Female 2: "Well you forgot one thing. I didn't read my scriptures last night."

Female 1: (Mixture of surprise, shock, horror, etc.) "No! You can't be serious. You need to talk to the Bishop right now."

Female 2: "And what, lose my place in line for, let's see, it's Sunday, so we're looking at Chicken Cordon Bleu."

Female 1: (Still in shock, horror, etc.) "Oh my heck. I'm concerned about you. You... you aren't becoming... Buddhist, are you?"

Female 2: (Stares at her for a while) "Yes. Yes I am. Now get your food."

Female 1: "Oh, okay." (Turns to Server.) "Hi, I'd like... Just what on Earth is that?"

Server: "Food"

Female 2: (after staring disgusted) "Are you sure?"

Server: "No, not really."

Female 1: "Oh. That means it's safe. I'll take some of the... food."

Female 2: "Me, too."

Server serves food. Exit server. Two females approach front table, passing by back table, where 2 RM's suddenly speak out.

RM 1: "Hi, we are two RM's, Bill and Ted, fresh from our mission out of South Antarctica, and we were noticing just how much both of your eyes outshone the sun and were wondering if you'd like to have lunch with us, after which we will go to the temple and get married."

Female 2 acts turned on, almost saying yes.

Female 1 interrupts politely: "No."

Female 2 turns, flabbergasted: "But.."

RM 2: "Hey, if it's family you're worried about, ours are waiting outside and we could probably pray to God to instantly get yours up here. After all, he did tell me I was supposed to marry you."

Female 1: (Rudely now) "NEVER!" (Grabs Female 2 by the hand and goes toward table 1)

Female 2: "But they were cute."

Female 1: "We can't eat lunch with THEM. They're not from our ward!"

Exit RM's. Focus on front table. Three guys talking. Females approach table. Just stop and stare at guys near the end of the "punch line"

Guy 1: "So anyways, I turn to the professor and said, that can't be a green rock! It's brown! And the professor said, ah, but what if blast it with alpha particles. To which I said, well then we'd have to look at the Third law of Thermodynamics."

All three guys crack up. With random yelling, "That's so hilarious," etc. They finally notice the females, immediately shutting up and staring shyly at their food.

Female 2: (Halfway repulsed, and very unsure if she wants to sit there.) "Hi."

Females sit down.

Guy 1: (still shyly.) "Um, like, um, hi."

Guy 2: (Almost daring to look at their faces) "Hi... Um... Have a seat?"

Female 1: (repulsed still) "I think I will."

Awkward silence for about fifteen seconds. Suddenly Darth walks in. Empire music starts playing.

Guy 3: "Oh my Heck! It's..."

Guy 2: "Darth."

Guy 1: "Run!"

Guy 2: "No, I must face him. You get Leia and Chewy to the Falcon. I'll try to meet you there."

Guy 3: "Standing up. Luke, be careful."

Guys jet. Exit guy 1 and 3. Guy 2 approaches Darth.

Darth: "Come Luke, join the Dark Side and we can rule the galaxy as father and son."

Guy 2: "I'll never turn to you!"

Darth: "So be it."

Lightsaber action. After 10 seconds or so, enter Female 3.

Female 3: (Flirtingly) "Hi, Luke. I'm absolutely in love with your light saber."

Female 3 goes to table. Guy 2 and Darth pause for a moment. Guy 2: "I can not fight you father." (Pauses, then pats Darth on back.) "So, tell me about this Dark Side..."

Exit Darth and Guy 2.

Back to table, where Female 3 and Female 4, both with musical instruments, have appeared. All 5 females are absently messing with the glasses. No one is to succeed. Enter Mark, Tim, and Jesse with guitars. Walk to table. Casual greetings. Females 1 and 2 exit. Everybody starts strumming on guitars. Random singing out of nowhere. Enter Lybi with Guy 4. They approach table.

Lybi: "Hi everybody. This is my new good friend, um,... a guy by the name of, um..."

Guy 4: "John"

Lybi: "John. Well, bye."

Exit Lybi and Guy 4. Enter Pete, stumbling, on verge of death.

Pete: "Help me."

Female 4: "What's wrong?"

Jesse: "Oh my heck! He's missing an entire limb."

They all run over to Pete. Tim starts acting like doctor.

Tim: "Spoon"

Female 3: "Spoon"

Tim: "Fork"

Female 4: "Fork"

Tim: "Ice Cream"

Jesse: "Ice Cream"

Tim: (Pausing to take a bite of Ice Cream) "Misty"

Mark: (Running off stage and returning, pushing Misty and then setting her on the floor next to Pete, all the while shouting "make way, medical emergency") "Misty" After a few seconds, Pete and Misty stand up, holding hands.

Tim: "All better. And if that ever happens again, get medical attention early."

Peter and Misty to back table. Everybody else back to front table. A little silence.

Mark: "My cat can eat a whole watermelon."

Enter Lybi with new Guy 4. Approaches table, this time dancing. Waltz music. Same routine as earlier, only this guys name is Hal. Suddenly, with Lybi and guy 4 completing their scheme, Perculater music starts up. Jake dances his way to the line. Everybody stares. Music stops. Exit Lybi and Guy 4, dancing. Back to playing with cups and guitars. jake is waiting in line.

MarK: "Mmmm, good cereal."

Female 3: "Definitely one of their finer Lucky Charms day." Enter Beasley, with musical instrument. Beasley approaches table.

Beasley: "Ladies, ladies, ladies. May I remark on how beautiful you all appear."

Females, with mock sincerity thank Beasley, and go back to playing instruments. Beasley sits. Enter Karl, looking exhausted. Sits down.

Female 3: You look exhausted!

Karl: Oh, man. Am I ever. Just got back from the line.

Jesse: Oh, it was your shift today.

Karl: Ya, almost had to run out to use the restroom, but I made it.

Tim: Well, its hard work, but if we ever want to get 121 tickets for Monty Python, we have to make it a team effort.

Karl: I know, I know. Sometimes i wonder though, is two months too early of a start. Everyone looks at Karl as if he's ridiculous.

Mark: Hey, why weren't you in Physics today?

Karl: Oh my heck! I forgot to set my alarm.

Mark: It's 1:00 class!

Karl: Your point?

Mark: Another bit of silence.

Tim: Hey, where's your musical instrument?

Karl: Oh my heck, I left it at the Wilk. Gotta jet.

Exit Karl. Exit Mark, Jesse, and Tim, making their respective excuses from the table. Jake comes and sits down. Enter new Female 1 and 2, sitting down at the table.

Jake: Yo dawg, I've got to hurry.

Beasley: And why is that?

Jake: It's almost 7:00. Off to the computer labs and then to sleep. got to keep the schedule.

Enter Lybi and new guy 4, on sled. Same scheme all over again. Guy's name is James. Exit w/o incident. Continue messing with glasses while Jake hurriedly eats. Jake leaves in a matter of seconds. All of the sudden, Female 3 gets her cups to fit and starts shouting and yelling and yawping. Alarms. Everybody cheers. Manager of restaurant walks in, singing Miss America song. Crowns Female 3 and exits.

Beasley: Well, ladies, or should I say Miss America and Lady, it's been a fine pleasure dining with you. Good day to you all. (Kisses Female 3's hand and exits)

Pete and Misty meanwhile are holding hands, oogling, etc. Spy music starts playing. 3 females w/ guns, etc. enter, doing spy action stuff. finally surround Pete and misty.

Spy 1: Freeze!

Spy 2: You are surrounded!

Spy 3: Under the orders of the Hinkley Hall RA Armed Forces, let go of his hand!

Misty: I can't.

Spy 1: You what?

Spy 2: Look, it's really a simple action. You just take your hand and stop applying pressure.

Misty: No I mean I can't. Doctors Orders.

Spy 3: That's the biggest load of (beep from somewhere) I've heard all semester.

Pete: No it's true. (Hands them paper from pocket)

Spy 1: Dang.

Spy 2: There goes another one.

Spies exit, disappointed. In comes a bunch of females, 3 or 4, running to table. Exit Pete and Misty.

Female 3: Hey guys whatsup?

Female 5: We've got it?

Female 4: Got what?

Female 6: The Pimp Shirt! (Pulls pimp shirt out of backpack)

Oohs and ahhs. Several Females 5, 7, and 8 do a little moshing action.

Female 6: And we're going to where it!

Female 3: You can't do that. Pimp Shirt Section 3 and 4 specifically forbids females from holding the power of the Pimp Shirt!

Female 5: But it's wrong! We should be able to wear the Pimp Shirt like anybody else!

Female 4: No, you're wrong. A truly devout single young female is supposed to be an aid for the Pimp Shirt wearer. You know, making sure he gets action and stuff.

Female 7: Ugh. i can't believe they've distorted your mind like that.

Female 8: (Facing "entrance") Sickening. (Opens mouth in horror as she sees 3 guys enter.)

Female 8: Oh my heck, there they are! Run!

Guys chase after females shouting "Get them!" etc. finally, females are cornered. Just then, out of nowhere, siren comes up. Campus police comes in.

Campus police: (Getting in between factions.) Alright. That's enough. You. You're shorts are too short, you're coming with me. And you, I saw you parking you're bike illegally. And you, when was the last time you shaved. You're all arrested. And a three hundred dollar fine.

More cops come in, and force the complaining guys back off stage with quite a lot of ruckus. Also lots of laughter from females. It would be great if we could get the closing Monty Python theme in here. Stage lights off. This thing's over.